Interview with a Naughty Elf

Backstory: One of the “interviews” from tumblr. I don’t have the exact intro anymore, but Joni explains she recently got a job as one of Santa’s elves, and invites questions.

Firstly, is this how it works? xD Secondly, how did you even end up there in your…uh “outfit”? XD

That’s totally how it works. They answered my job application, I hopped on the polar express for an interview and met the big guy himself. He was concerned that I might have been naughty. Which to be fair is true… that’s why I can’t wear clothes anymore. But I assured him I really wanted to do better. And Hermey (you remember him, right? The dentist?) reminded him that even misfits deserve a chance, so long story short I, got the job.

How does everyone feel about you being naked around the kids?

Obviously kids are exposed to a lot more nudity nowadays, so mostly people aren’t as uptight about it as when I was growing up, but some patents clearly still aren’t comfortable with it. I’m sure we lost a few customers, but with the lines as long as they are, I guess we can afford to.
To be honest, it was pretty weird for me at first too. When you’re naked all the time, being seen by kids is inevitable, but actually interacting with them was definitely not something I was used to. It turns out most kids are more at ease with nudity than adults are. After all permanent nudity has been around their whole lives, while many adults are still getting used to the idea. So it’s really not that shocking to them.

How often do adult men get in line for you? Forgive me for this, I know it’s on the line but someone has to ask, how often do you get asked to sit in someone’s lap or vice versa?

Alot! I mean there are are still more kids, but a fair amount of men, and women too I should mention, want to get a picture with Santa and his naked elf. It’s been great for business they tell me. I’m on the petite side (as befits an elf) so having an adult in my lap isn’t really going to work, and the kids want to sit in Santa’s lap of course, not mine. Santa did have to remind me not to be naughty with our visitors, but I can still sit in someone’s lap for a picture, there’s nothing wrong with that right? Usually I just stay out of the way when the kids are getting their pictures, but some of the more open minded families think it’s cool to have me in the shot too, I’ll go along with whatever they want to do.

Hi Joni, Merry Christmas! What kind of reaction do you get from the kids who come to see Santa? Do they seem to pay you more attention because you’re nude or less because you aren’t in typical elf clothes?

Merry Christmas to you too! Mostly they’re curious about me. They’ve probably never seen a naked elf before! If they ask, I just tell them the truth: I lost my clothes for being naughty but I’m trying to do better now. They seem to understand that concept pretty well. At the risk of sounded weird… well some of the older boys… maybe a little too old for a picture with Santa? A picture with Santa and a naked elf? Let’s just say that sweetens the deal a bit. I’ve heard more than one older brother ask to get a picture too.

How many dirty jokes about being Santa’s “Elf” have you gotten?

I am Santa’s elf, and I certainly get my share… But I think you might mean something different. I’m not sure anyone has made that particular reference. Mostly it’s jokes about whether Mrs. Claus knows who he’s hanging out with, speculation on exactly how naughty I’ve been, and that kind of thing. Most people have the decency to keep it PG since there are at a lot of kids around after all. Then there are the “milk and cookies” jokes, which I’m hoping the kids don’t understand. Probably the worst I’ve heard is something about unusual uses for candy canes. That’s just asking for a yeast infection.

Hi Joni, great job. Does Santa set limits on age groups you can visit if you’re out with him?

Oh no, not at all. Time may pass differently at the North Pole but he’s very modern about nudity. Why I understand PN Barbie is one of the most requested gifts this year. He’ll be leaving one under a lot of trees tonight. But as fun as it would be, I won’t be going out to visit anyone. He does that part of the job solo. He’s got to save room in the sleigh for all those toys you know. One elf comes along as a driver of course, someone has to watch the reindeer while he’s dropping off the gifts, right? But as you can imagine that important job is one of the most senior elf positions. I can tell I’ve impressed him though, I just might make senior elf one day if I keep at it. It would be really exciting to be part of that, even just waiting on the roof, wouldn’t it?

How does one become one of Santa’s elves?

I left my monster.com account logged in and my roommate sent an application in as a joke. She also applied me for jobs as a grave digger and a pelvic exam subject for medical students. Surprisingly (and luckily) this is the one I actually heard back from. I thought it must be a mistake but I did need the extra cash so I went in and sure enough they were actually willing to hire a naked elf. Said they wanted to try something a little different this year. And based on how it’s going so far, it looks like I’ll have a job lined up for next year too. Only thing is I’m getting my clothes back next October and I’m pretty sure they want me naked. It’s alot of fun though, so I just might re-register. We’ll see.

How do you handle the cold? Do you prefer men or women or both?

Elves have a different metabolism. Take a look at some traditional elf outfits, they’re still not exactly bundled up. They’re often seen wearing tights! But anyway, my job isn’t at the North Pole workshop fortunately. I’m more on the PR side, you see. So I work in a nice heated shopping mall. And on the last bit, let’s just say I love bringing joy to everyone.