Interview with a permanude actress

[As nudity became more and more common the alternative website nonnude.com started posting “clean” versions of content.

Just to show how ridiculous this sometimes gets, here are some highlights from their version of Chloe Milner’s recent appearance on the late show.]

HOSTESS “So why did you become a permanude actress?”

CHLOE “I became an actress to express myself.  Then I tried to make it in Hollywood.  After a few years of competing with thousands of other women, mostly with the proportions deemed most desirable in the industry, I turned myself into an anorexic wreck.  Then finally, I said ‘Ah, screw it.  I am who I am and I’m not going to hide it.’  I went down to the courthouse and registered.  Once everyone could see what I’m carrying, I stopped obsessing with the idea that they were going to care about those five pounds” [Just over 2 kilos.]  “My next auditions were strikeouts, but I felt happier about it.  Less worried.”

HOSTESS “You’re the first major actress in Hollywood to be voluntarily nude, although party girls and boys are always running into trouble with the law and getting creative sentences.”

CHLOE “Oh.  You mean that’s why at auditions I was usually the only one naked.”  [Audience laughs] “Well maybe once they see it isn’t necessarily a career killer some of the others will try it.

I got my breakout role by showing up relaxed and confident to my audition.  They thought I projected an adventuress.  Although that wasn’t a nude role.  At least not much of one.”

…

[Clip from “Oregon Smith and the Spear of Destiny”]

(A teakettle whistles.  Chloe, as a nude Oregon Smith, gets up and makes herself a cup of tea.  Her front and back are shown.  The phone rings.  She answers it.)

OREGON “Hello.”

EXCITED VOICE “We’ve deciphered the Butterworth manuscript.  We think we can find the spear that the legionary jabbed into Christ.”

[Clip ends.]

HOSTESS “There was a lot of internet chatter as to why a PN actress like you would wear as many outfits as you did in the movie.”

CHLOE “The movie was set in the 1980s before permanude was a thing.  Oregon Smith could be naked in her apartment, but not in most public places.  At least not without drawing too much attention.  Our lawyers filed papers with the movie board to explain the situation.  They’re thinking of updating the regulations but meantime there’s no fine, no prosecution.”

…

[Another clip plays]

(Oregon’s companion, an unathletic nerdish looking fellow in his early 20s with glasses, says “Well, we made it out.”

OREGON “We’re two days early to the rendezvous but we lost the radio.  So, let’s just relax until they show up.”

GUY “You’re… “[He gasps]

[camera cuts to OREGON, standing with her hands at her sides] “I’m chasing a two millennia old relic and trying to outwit enemy agents.  I forgot to pack my swimsuit.  But Geez Louise, we’re on a beach on a tropical island with no one else around.  If it would make you more comfortable, I could put my underwear back on.  That’s roughly the same coverage as a bikini.  Or should I put the whole outfit back on?”

GUY turns away and says “No, you don’t have to.”

OREGON “Considering the magazine I saw you reading on the plane when I woke up in the middle of my nap, I thought you’d be comfortable with the female form.  Or did you just read it for the articles?”

[Clip ends.]

CHLOE “Morgan was just acting.  I’d seen him visiting clothing optional resorts and at clothing optional Hollywood parties and he was always,” (slight pause) “wearing what he was born with.  For the scenes where we were hiding at a nudist convention, Morgan complained that he had to stay inside as much as possible for months, then spend two days in a tanning salon wearing the biggest, baggiest men’s swimsuit he could find in his size, just to get the tan lines right.”

(LATER THE INTERVIEW TURNS TO HER STARRING ROLE AS A TV SUPERHEROINE)

HOSTESS “Some critics say your show’s success comes from sexism, since the competing show that debuted the same week, Nude Metro Man, got dismal ratings after its’ first episode and was soon canceled?”

CHLOE “Nude Metro Man was a one joke premise that might have worked as a skit but couldn’t carry a show.  The failure wasn’t completely sexist, as he and his PN wife spent a lot of time together in their civilian identities.  But ultimately it lacked depth.

Our show, on the other hand, was written with all clothed parts so the writers went for suspense, adventure, humor, characterization and all those other things that successful TV shows commonly have.”

HOSTESS “So, your PN status was never addressed?  You just started filming nude?”

CHLOE “They wrote one exchange in.  A guy I met for coffee asked, ‘how much longer are you naked?’  and I said, ‘I have three years left before I have to renew my registration.’  But other than that, yeah they just started filming.”

HOSTESS “Did they cast the part nude for titillation?”

CHLOE “They auditioned several clothed actresses.  One was signed for the part.  Then there was a costuming failure because they couldn’t make the wings work with any of the costumes.  Finally, they decided the Blue Butterfly would be a transformed naked woman.  They asked the actress they’d care to register so she could get the part, but she thought the show might fail and wouldn’t.  So as the most prominent PN actress, I got invited to audition.”

HOSTESS “Couldn’t the Blue Butterfly have a clothed alter ego?”

CHLOE “Then it would be illegal for her to wear so little as the Blue Butterfly.  They wanted a heroine who didn’t break the law all the time.”

HOSTESS “When your character is transformed what are you actually wearing?”

CHLOE “The mask with the antennas.  The harness with the wings.  And the blue skin paint job over all my other skin that It takes me almost two hours to get into and an hour to get out of.

Once I spent hours getting set, and then the crew announced it was quitting time.  I almost thought it was funny, but Lisa, my makeup lady, she practically had a stroke.

So now we film entire days where I’m not the Blue Butterfly.  And entire days where I am.  On those days they don’t like me to leave the studio in case my paint job gets messed up, so they pay to have restaurant food delivered to my trailer.”

HOSTESS “Is it legal for a PN to wear that much?”

CHLOE “In my opinion, what the role calls for is legal.  That’s acting.  And so far, there’s been no problem.”

HOSTESS “And yet, you did try wearing a costume, didn’t you?”

CHLOE “My character did.  She first transformed at night and no one got a good look at her.  Then she worked at assembling a superhero uniform that would fit in a handbag to wear when transformed.  Then when the crisis came, the wings and antenna ripped it to shreds.  So, she tried a second time.  After that one ripped, she gave up.  Easier for me, I only have to carry a purse when I’m filming as Charlotte, not a big handbag.  The action scenes are exhausting enough.”

HOSTESS “Since your character Charlotte is registered isn’t that a violation?”

CHLOE “Yeah, but the script justifies it.  Her whole experience of super-heroes in the comics, movies and TV is of heroes in costume.  She thought it was part of the whole super thing.”

HOSTESS “Word is this season you get a nude villainess.”

CHLOE “Well, the Blue Butterfly already faced a nude Allosaurus, returned a nude tiger to the zoo, and battled an alien patrol that didn’t seem to be wearing anything we’d recognize as clothing.  But yes, in the season premiere Electroshock returns without her costume.”

CLIP-A nude red-haired woman, glowing the color of lightning hovers over the bridge.  She yells “Hey Blue!  This time my costume isn’t going to get caught on no hook!  Come and fight me!  Butterfly to Electricity!”  CLIP ENDS

HOSTESS “Word is, when she isn’t in a charged-up state, she wears clothes.  Why’s that?”

CHLOE “Electroshock is an unregistered nude.  Also, she commits acts of bank robbery, reckless endangerment, assault and battery, attempted murder and other crimes.  But most obviously, public indecency.”

HOSTESS “But her actress isn’t a PN?”

CHLOE “Elaine likes to wear long dresses.  But the script calls for her to play a part-time nude character, and her acting range can cover it.  It’s not like there aren’t nude people in the city every day.”

END OF EXCERT