Yoga Camp

I was convicted of grand theft for repeatedly robbing the till at work. I could have got up to three years in prison, but instead I received a bottomless sentence. Now at the time, I wasn’t happy about this at all. I was pissed. But the truth is my sentence wasn’t the bad thing I thought it would be. In fact—No I’m getting ahead of myself. The important thing is that along with my registration paperwork I got a pamphlet on naked and bottomless offender rehab programs. I just about threw it in the trash, but I didn’t have anything better to do as I sulked in my apparent, unready to face the world half naked. So I read it. I still would have dismissed it out of hand, if it hadn’t been for one thing: The pamphlet promised these programs would help us find work or education, and obviously I was out of a job.

I picked the one hosted by the Swadhisthana Yoga Center just because it sounded swanky. It was, but it turned out to be a great choice for another reason. I must say the first meeting was pleasant surprise. There were no stern probation officer types to lecture us. No, everybody at the meeting was at least half naked like me, even Jordon, the bottomless man leading the group. And the first class was all about coping with nudity, which was really helpful at that stage. There was an emphasis on accepting responsibility, but mostly just good practical advice. It wasn’t what I expected at all, but it was exactly what I needed.

The second surprise came at the end of the session when Jordon invited us to join him for a Yoga workout. I’d assumed the rest of the facilities were reserved for paying customers, but it turns out the rehab program was more closely tied to the yoga center than I thought. It wasn’t anything I’d ever been interested in before, but I’d quickly become comfortable with this group of people so I agreed to join in. I didn’t pay much attention to the mystical mumbo-jumbo about sacral energy and stuff but the exercises felt nice and I left in a pretty good mood, definitely planning to return next week.

On that return visit I arrived a bit early, and after last time I felt free to look around. And that’s when I noticed something intriguing, there were lots and lots of bottomless people. It wasn’t just our group. As I was wondering about this a friendly lady doing warm-ups by the pool introduced herself as Rene (that’s her in the pink top), and invited me to join her. I told her, a little embarrassed, I was just waiting for the rehab program to start, but she said that didn’t matter. I asked, I hope not rudely, whether she’d ever been part of it herself. As she did her exercisers (and I tried to follow) she explained that she wasn’t permanently bottomless. Rather, she said, the yoga center is clothing optional, and most students practice bottomless because they believe covering ones genitals obstructs prana. “Energy”, she clarified, no doubt noticing my confusion, “perhaps you’ve heard of chi, it’s kind of like that”.

At that point I had to excuse myself because the meeting was starting. The theme was nominally about finding work, but I would have been disappointed if that was still the main reason I was here, because Jordon just listed some fairly obvious resources I could have found online. He mostly talked about how we shouldn’t be ashamed, because each one of us was a better person now than before we were naked or bottomless. That was an interesting perspective, but not very helpful for getting a job. It didn’t matter to me though, I already knew where I wanted to work: HERE, if at all possible. It might be weird, it might be a cult, but it’s the one place I know for sure I’ll be accepted. And who knows… they just might be on to something.